I would love it if I could pin point the reason for my inability to get daily living tasks done. Is it my executive functioning that is the problem? No clue, because I still don't quite understand what executive functioning does, I keep reading about it and keep getting confused by what it's talking about. Something, something, hard to initiate tasks, something, something problems planning, something, something, problems problem solving, something something, impaired working memory, blah, blah, blah. All those individual broken down parts I have no problems with. Except maybe attention, when my senses are overloaded. Yet, despite being fine with planning, problem solving, working memory, reasoning, initiation. Wait, I do have problems with cognitive flexibility, monitoring, and inhibition. I'll just wave my arms erratically at my inability to properly understand executive function.
It's probably a mix of sensory overload, executive dysfunction, and chronic pain. Regardless, stupid everyday tasks actually break me.
Let's have a partial list of things that I am incapable of doing in a timely manner:
→ Brushing my teeth. Yes. This is a huge horrible hygiene problem I have. I know this one involves two things that make it a problem: 1) I have sensory issues with spit, even my own, and 2) there are too many steps. Brushing teeth might be a 1 step thing for neurotypicals, but in my mind, it's annoyingly broken down: 1) Go to the bathroom, 2) get the toothbrush, 3) wet toothbrush, 4) put toothpaste on 5) brush the left top side, 6) brush the left bottom side, 7) brush the right top side, 8) brush the right bottom side, 9) brush top middle front, 10) brush top middle back, 11) brush bottom middle back, 12) brush bottom middle front, repeat steps 5 through 12, 21) brush tongue, 22) rinse toothbrush, 23) put away toothbrush, 24) fill a cup with water, 25) rinse mouth, 26) gargle, 27) spit, 28) rinse out sink with leftover cup water, 29) get rid of all the awful spit that is now on my face instead of in my mouth. Suddenly the 1 task thing, brushing teeth, has 29 steps. Twenty. Nine. If someone could please tell my brain that spit is fine outside of the mouth (oh gosh, just thinking about what I just wrote makes me do flappy hands of horror!) and that there aren't actually 29 steps in brushing my teeth, I would greatly appreciate it. Especially since I really don't want to have furry teeth and cavities. Let's not even talk about flossing. So many steps...
→ Dishes. This one involves two things as well: 1) there are too many steps, and 2) the movements involved in doing the dishes (either standing in front of the sink or loading the dishwasher) cause me excruciating pain. I will not break down the steps for you, as I think the teeth brushing breakdown is enough breakdown for one blog post.
→ Cleaning the floor. Just pain. So much pain with the movements for this (that little leaning forward thing that is required makes my low back herniated discs scream in agony), and also, after 15 min or so, I have no energy left due to said pain.
→ Cooking. Too many steps. The stupid thing is I enjoy cooking a lot. But so many steps immediately makes my brain say, nope! This also is an energy thing during the week. Spending 2 hours getting ready to go to work and then 8 hours at work, I don't have any stamina left between socializing, sensory problems, and just chronic pain and lack of energy. There is also the fact that I'll plan to make something, and then when it gets to the time to make and eat it, my body has decided to tell me that if I eat or smell said thing, I will vomit. I also have to remember that I need to eat or that I am hungry. Proprioception problems play a large part in my not eating, as does hyper-fixation. Why eat when I am doing something more important?
→ Grocery Shopping. This is just sensory hell. I now order all my groceries online and either pick them up (if I have the energy), or get them delivered (if I have the money).
→ Yard Work. Temperature causes sensory problems. Weeding causes pain problems. Mowing the lawn causes pain and exhaustion.
→ Laundry. Too many steps. Yes, it's a pattern. Pain because of top-loading and inability to be tall enough to reach the clothes. But mostly, I forget that I have a load on because I walk away from it, and sometimes it gets forgotten for so long the clothes get moldy and have to be rewashed, which could potentially mean I forget them again. It doesn't help that the laundry room is right outside my bedroom door, and as such, I can't run it at night because of sensory issues. There is also the odd pointlessness my brain has associated with putting clothes away just so I can pull them out to use them. Probably why making my bed seems kind of pointless as well. Thanks, brain.
→ Taking my asthma puffer. I'm getting better with this one, but still, too many steps. I think if I didn't have to rinse my mouth after taking it (twice a day), this would be less of a problem. I mean, I do prefer to be able to breathe, but I want to cry every time I have to do the puffer because so many steps.
→ Showering. All the energy for the day will go into this one task. It is just so exhausting with chronic pain issues to shower. So I can't do it as often as I should because workdays sap all my energy.
Why is my brain like this? It was great that someone taught me to break things into manageable steps, they just forgot to tell me not to break it down into too many steps, or I have the same overloading problem. Yet, something stimulating and engaging can have 1000 steps, and I'll happily engage in that for eternity with no functional issues at all. Taking care of my broken sack of flesh is just not stimulating in the least.
This is why functioning labels don't work. I am perfectly fine doing complex tasks and looking reasonably put together around people, but on my own, at home, I am a complete and utter disaster. In fact, my mom came round and made me start using paper plates, so I had fewer dishes to do, helped me freeze meals, so I ate decently after work, and set me up with a house cleaner to do all those lovely things I can't seem to manage on my own. There was a time when one person didn't have to do all the tasks of living by themselves, but capitalism got rid of that by making it so that if you aren't making money and able to do all the other things, your existence isn't worth sustaining. Incoming sarcasm: Thanks capitalism; I <3 you too.